The past year has kinda sucked. \u00a0Actually, the past few years have been a pattern. \u00a0I keep telling myself that things will get better, things gotta get better. But they don’t. \u00a0Currently, on top of the personal stuff and the writer stuff, the dryer is going to have to be replaced soon and my laptop is doing evil things that makes me think I’ll need a new one. \u00a0I can’t write without a laptop so this ought to be interesting.<\/p>\n
A few days ago, we went to an art festival and I bought a cute little clay thing for the bathroom, to put toothbrushes and the toothpaste in. \u00a0It cost $40. \u00a0It wasn’t even used once, because it was broken in the car. Somehow. Mysteriously. Ghosts must have done it because nobody will cop to it.<\/p>\n
Every other day, something else is going wrong.<\/p>\n
Not too long ago, I was told that I really don’t have anything to complain about…but, well….ya know, this sort of thing is subjective.<\/p>\n
I was told that I’ve got a great career, but that great career isn’t really what people think. \u00a0This is how\u00a0<\/em>I support my family, so yes, it’s a big concern to me, because going back to nursing isn’t much of an option for me. \u00a0Naturally, I worry. \u00a0I’ve had two series dropped, struggling to keep the others going. \u00a0And I do mean struggle<\/em>.\u00a0The most successful one is the selfpubbed one and it’s twice as hard as the others since I’m flying solo.<\/p>\n I get that others have it so much worse than I do…and I really\u00a0do<\/em> get that. \u00a0I’ve got it so much better than my parents did and I know\u00a0<\/em>that. \u00a0Despite what it may sound like, I\u00a0am\u00a0<\/em>grateful.<\/p>\n But…sometimes it feels like it’s all falling apart around me.<\/p>\n I\u00a0hate<\/em> that I feel like this. \u00a0I’ve got three beautiful, smart kids. \u00a0I’ve got a great husband. \u00a0And I\u00a0am<\/em> able to write for a living. \u00a0It’s more than some people can do, and I know that.<\/p>\n I appreciate it. \u00a0I wouldn’t change where <\/em>I am, or\u00a0who\u00a0<\/em>I am. Yet…I still feel like I’m falling apart.<\/p>\n How<\/em> can I feel like this, even though I know I’ve got so many things that others don’t and that I need to appreciate every thing I do have? \u00a0Things I never hoped to have as a kid?<\/p>\n I\u00a0don’t know<\/em>.<\/p>\n Why does it feel like every day is a struggle and why has it felt like this not for a few days, a few weeks, but…longer? Frankly, right now I can’t remember when it hasn’t felt like this. \u00a0I’m not looking at weeks right now, probably not even months, but a couple of years.<\/p>\n It’s more than just stuff going on personally, things that I am not, and will not, go into. \u00a0It’s more than struggling to keep together a career that sometimes feels like it’s just…falling apart.<\/p>\n Sometimes I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean and I’ve got people around me, and I know they can see me and I’m going down and it’s like…I know you see me, will you help me…<\/em>but they aren’t seeing me drowning. \u00a0I guess I look like I’m swimming. \u00a0There have been a few times when I reached out to a couple of friends, but…nothing. \u00a0Granted, my idea of reaching out isn’t me grabbing hold and shouting…Hey, YOU!!! LOOK AT ME!! I’M DESPERATE!!!<\/em><\/p>\n I don’t do this well. \u00a0I never have. \u00a0I want to do things on my own–every thing<\/em> on my own, which is probably one of my biggest flaws. \u00a0A few days ago, I finally broke down and admitted to myself, then to my husband that I was<\/i> drowning.<\/p>\n